It Can’t Be About Your Expectations For Them
When a loved one is in crisis, it can be hard to know what to say. It can feel safer to do nothing in the hope of avoiding messy feelings or uncomfortable communication. What your loved one needs as they take their first steps toward recovery, however, is your support, not your silence.
Here are 4 tips to help you be present to a family member or friend without adding to their burden or burning yourself out:
Constance Scharff, Ph.D. is an internationally recognized speaker and author on the topics of addiction recovery, women’s health, and overcoming trauma. She is the author, under her Hebrew name Ahuva Batya, of the award-winning poetry collection, “Meeting God at Midnight” and co-author of the Amazon.com #1 bestselling book “Ending Addiction for Good.”
Editor: Muhammad Talha
1. Talk Less, Listen More
This is one of the most helpful things you can do for someone in recovery, and the easiest to overlook. When we avoid difficult conversations with those closest to us, it’s typically because we are thinking of our own fears of inadequacy: What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make things worse? In reality, your loved one does not need you to do or say any one thing; there is no “perfect” thing to say. Just being available to listen to them talk about their own thoughts or experiences will go far in showing them how much you care.
2. Share Comfort & Confidence, Not Expectations
When you do talk with someone in recovery, refrain from giving advice, making judgments, or asking them to live up to your expectations for what you think their recovery should look like. Sharing a step-by-step action plan may make you feel better, but your loved one’s recovery is not about you. Instead, ask about their goals or expectations and support them in accomplishing these. By trusting your loved one’s assessment of their recovery, you demonstrate your confidence in them and their chosen path to recovery.
3. Identify Your Own Support System
You may not be the one who experienced the addiction firsthand or in close proximity, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect you. Seek out your own support network to help you reflect and heal as your loved one pursues recovery.
Try utilizing the “Ring Theory” of emotional support by identifying people you are close to but who are farther from the crisis than you are. For example, if someone in your family is undergoing treatment for an addiction, try talking through the situation with a close friend instead of another family member. Because of their distance from the situation, your friend will be less emotionally strained, allowing them to be more objective and better support for you.
4. Be Patient
All paths to recovery take time, and each person’s recovery will look different. By listening to your friend or family member, expressing your support for them, and identifying a few people to help you take care of yourself, you will be a resource to your loved ones throughout their recovery and beyond.